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Other Stuff I Hate

I’m very good at hating stuff. As I’m sure you know, I can rant for a very long time about very minor and unimportant things. Which is why this blog exists.

So I decided to have a page about other things I hate, besides entitled customers and the smell of burnt soya milk.

Check back to see whether it’s been updated in a blind (but hopefully humorous) rage. 

  1. Books with movie covers
Why? Why do people do this? Why do people buy them? Does the publishing world think we are so stupid that we can’t recognise that when we go to see a film that says ‘based on the best-selling novel’, and then we want to buy the novel, we can’t just, oh I don’t know, LOOK AT THE NAME? Or the MASSIVE FUCKING STICKER that says ‘Now a motion picture’? And you, person who bought the stupid version, do you need to have Anne Hathaway on a book for you to read it? Is it just too dull if there’s no celebrity on the front? Are you lacking the imaginative capacity to decide what a character looks like based on description? Which, if I may say, is the WHOLE FUCKING POINT of a book. Urgh.

2. People who use the phrase ‘addicting’, as in ‘facebook is so addicting’. Go fuck yourself. No really. You’ll find it’s quite addictive. Arsehole.

3. People who drive Range Rovers. You. Yes, you. Why the fuck are you driving a beast of a car in London? Do you regularly drive through the countryside? And when I say drive, I mean are you mowing down cows and horses, left right and centre? Because that’s what your driving would seem to suggest. Just because you can afford to drop 30k on a car, doesn’t mean you bought the rights to the fucking road. Also, having one child doesn’t mean you suddenly need a car bigger than my first flat. Get back on your side of the road.

4. People who don’t indicate. See above for Range Rover wankers.

5. People who drive a Prius and then expect us to thank them for saving the fucking world. Firstly, they’re just as damaging in the process that creates the car, and secondly, you want to be thanked for saving something, join a movement, ride your bike, just stop talking about it like you’ve made such a goddamn sacrifice by downgrading to a Toyota. Arsehole.

6. Reality TV shows that refuse to die despite the ratings.

Seriously, Big Brother? SERIOUSLY? My mother turned this on for fifteen endless minutes this evening, and all it sounded like was a bunch of drunken chimpanzees screeching about something to do with pants. ‘I live in the playboy mansion, but don’t show my arse on TV! I’ll sue you!’ Eventually, after ten agonising minutes, I ended up screaming at the TV: SHUT UP, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? YOU’RE IMPORTANT, ARE YOU? YOU’RE SO FUCKING SPECIAL?

I had to go for a run to undo the rage. Listening to people argue in the real world is bad enough, and gives me an ulcer. So hearing a bunch of unlikable strangers screaming about absolute bullshit really damages my calm. I suppose the only thing to look forward to, seeing as this show won’t die, is it’s reincarnation in ten years as an alternative to prison, where offenders are sent to live in the house and undertake terrifying and humiliating tasks for the public’s amusement. The last one left in gets to go free. For the rest, ‘eviction’ means the death penalty. That’ll be something, I guess.

7. Men in Ugg Boots

Did you know that Ugg Boots actually came from the phrase ‘Ugly Boots’ which is what they were called in their original term, worn by shepherds? I read this in an Australian travel guide, so it must be right. Did you also know that even if you’re a total hottie, wearing these stupid slippers out in public and TUCKING YOUR FUCKING TROUSERS INTO THEM decreases your ability to pull by 30%? That’s right. It’s maths. Did you also know you’re 18% less likely to get laid, 49% more likely to get run over and 104% more likely to run screaming from a cafe after a barista tears you down for looking like a twat. It’s just wrong. It’s a MORAL ISSUE. There was a VERY pretty man today. I would have swooned. And then I saw his shoes. Men of the world, take note: Feel free to spend over a hundred pounds on shoes. Feel free to buy shoes at Primark. Just. Not. Uggs.

*Only 60% of the figures in this rant are true.


9 responses »

  1. Supervising Coffee Monkeys

    Oh I do love you! Haha. You also forgot to add BMW and Audi drivers to that list, exept bmw’s are now chavvy little cars with little via driving them thinking they are big men 🙂

  2. I hate the book cover thing too. I actually have 2 of the books above, with the ORIGINAL covers, despite the fact that I bought them after the films were made. The people at Waterstones must hate me for giving them a (granted, shorter and much less eloquent) speech on why these covers should die. But these things must be said. xxx

    • I’m totally in agreement with this (Sorry, only just read this blog – I’m a bit behind). I bought the One Day book after the film was released, but REFUSED to have a book with Anne Hathaway’s smug mug on the front cover (Yuck). I saw the film after reading the book. Wish I hadn’t.

      • Hahaha, just randomly saw this blog. And I agree 100%. I get so much of that on XBL, litlte 15 year old boys thinking they’re bad-asses with lines like go back to the kitchen

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  4. I completely agree with all of these, and especially the book cover one. I always get the feeling that it makes you look as though you’re buying the book purely because it has been made into a film, when it may simply be a coincidence. You then need to go out of your way to find a copy with the normal cover, and that makes me feel like a pretentious twat. They really do need to die.

  5. @Shiri – you’re right, the people at Waterstone’s do hate you. Actually, i should say, it depends on how you said it. If you gave said speech in a dry, ‘we’re book people together sniggering at the illiterate movie people who need this cover’ then they’re probably with you, as there’s nothing anyone in customer service likes more than to go along with another customer mocking other customers. It’s a sly way of letting out some of the hate, dressed up as agreeing with a customer.
    However, if you gave the speech as ‘why on earth do you people who work in chain store and have no influence on publishers allow this sort of thing? You’re all imbeciles who should be better educated/get a better job then’, yes they hate you. Worse, because they actually agree with your point but you’ve just committed the cardinal sin – you’ve insulted their intelligence and implied they are no more than robots, while at the same time implying they have some sort of power and control over what they do.
    Take this as a tip on how to relate to booksellers. Like baristas, they have souls and do not enjoy superciliousness. Even when you’re late.

  6. All very good points, though I suspect you might have stolen the one about the Prius from Southpark, it’s still true anyway, and your blog has helped me kill a good half hour of work boredom so thanks, keep it up!

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